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Voice Mail

1. Hello...you have reached the office of the Board of Rabbis. If you are Orthodox, press 6-1-3; if you are Conservative, press 1 or 2; if you are Reform, press any button you like; if you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons. (DING)

Please hold on while I transfer your call...

Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The answer to your question is that it is forbidden by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)

Hello: You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has been helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)

Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi. The answer to your question is: if you want to, sure, why not? Who are we to say? If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)

Hello. You have reached the Reconstructionis rabbi. The answer to your question presumes there is an answer to your question. However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer your own question, please hang up now. (CLICK)

2. Hello. You have reached heaven. All of our angels are currently busy. If you know your party's extension, please enter it now. Please press 0 for an employee directory.

Thank you for pressing 0 for the employee directory. If you know the first three letters of the deity you are calling, please enter them now...(click, click, click). We're sorry, you have entered a non-working name. Please try again (click, click, click). We're sorry; our system cannot accept G-O-D; please try G-D. (cl-ck, cl-ck, cl-ck).

Hello, this is G-D, I am either away from my desk, or temporarily out of heaven. Your call is important to Me, so at the sound of the harp, please leave your message; I already know your name and number.

3. Hello. You have reached the offices of the Israeli government. Congratulations on having a telephone. If you are calling for Likud, press 1-9-7-7; if you are calling for Labor, press 1-9-9-3; if you are calling for one of the religious parties, please remember that they do not answer the phone on the Jewish Sabbath. If you are in favor of territorial compromise, press 1-9-6-7; if you are in favor of retaining all of the territories, press 1000 B-C-E; if you wish to speak to a civil servant, don't get your hopes up.

4. Hello, you have reached the offices of the Jewish Community Relations Council. If you are offended by our position on Israel, please press 1; if you are offended by our position on church-state separation, please press 2; if you are offended by our position on Black-Jewish relations, please press 3. If you think all Soviet Jews should move to Israel, press 4, unless you are calling from North America, in which case pressing 4 will not work; if you are calling to propose a boycott of our local newspaper, please press 5; if you are calling to propose a boycott of ABS, CBS, NBS, CNN, or PBS, please press 6; if you are calling to ask who authorized us to speak for the Jewish community, please hang up and organize your own Jewish agency. Have a consensual day.












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