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Grandmother's Talmud

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?
Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
There's nothing like a good belch.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
Never pay retail.
It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.
Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
The most important word to know in any language is sale.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult.
his usually happens at around age 45.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.
What is chutzpah? Reading this entire book in the store and not buying it.


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