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A Jewish Test

1. There are no Jews living in:
a. sin
b. El Paso
c. trailer parks

2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
a. do windows
b. make latkes
c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
a. gentle
b. housebroken
c. stuffed

4. Jews spend their vacations:
a. sightseeing
b. sunbathing
c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next

5. A Jewish mouth never
a. lies
b. closes
c. contains gold teeth

6. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are
a. up on the newest styles
b. entitled to free haircuts
c. not Jewish

7. Wilderness means
a. no running water
b. no electricity
c. no hot and sour soup

8. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
a. jogging
b. tennis
c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

9. Jews never drive
a. unsafely
b. on Saturdays
c. eighteen wheelers

10. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
a. Easter lilies
b. a crucifix
c. a Zippo lighter

11. A Jewish skydiver is
a. careful
b. insured
c. an apparition

12. Jews never eat at restaurants that
a. aren't kosher
b. cost too much
c. have paintings for sale

13. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
a. become a prostitute
b. deface a synagogue
c. remove the back of a TV set

14. There is no such thing as a Jewish
a. black belt
b. obscene caller
c. toll collector

15. Jews never sing
a. off-key
b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
c. around a piano bar

16. You won't catch a Jewish person on a
a. horse
b. backhoe
c. toot

17. Jews are ambivalent about
a. vegetarianism
b. Jesse Jackson
c. absolutely nothing

Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c".

39-51: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you.

29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to.

17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying a Nathan's franchise.


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